Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
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