Betty ford says i'm here all night
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
