Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
