Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize