I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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