I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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