he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
