you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
