So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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