then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
