Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
splinters make it hard to masturbate
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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