The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
