How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
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