It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
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