I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
