the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
