I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
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