so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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