I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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