just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
