i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize
