the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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