Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Randomize
