Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
