Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
