Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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