my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
