Need sex. Gaining weight.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
