Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I made him laugh his dick is mine
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
