I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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