I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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