I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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