He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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