I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
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