Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
