so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
