I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
