I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Randomize
