Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
