I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize