she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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