I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
