I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
