His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
