Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Randomize
