Your favorite bartender is back from prision
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
