The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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