i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
