mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
