You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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