That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
This baby is an asshole
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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