I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
