I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Randomize
