Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
