I was born with a shot glass in my hand
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
