My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
