Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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