Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
