I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize