Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
God, I missed his penis.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
