I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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