I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Randomize
