we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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