i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
