i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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