Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
