I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
