She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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