I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
